If you always thought that international human rights work was just another conspiracy covering up something more nefarious…you were right.

Burn this newsletter after reading. Oh, and happy Purim!

JewAnon was started by a highly placed Jewish operative who got tired of logging in after Shabbat and realizing he missed all the “critical” info-drops. Since then, “Yod” has been the first to open our eyes to:

• The sinister plot to hide sex trafficking rings inside a pillowy flatbread, or “Pita-Gate.”
• How government airplanes are secretly injecting our skies with chemtrails of guilt.
• Jewish Space Lasiks, to correct everyone’s vision en masse.
• Bill Gates’ scheme to use his 5-Gimel network to force everyone to call their mother.
• “Everything Bagels” — in actuality, they only contain, like, 6 things! 
• Area 51: The most extensive coverup in history of a botched bris. 
• The alterkakker conspiracy to turn Donald Trump into just another Palm Beach retiree.

“We’re not saying they definitely are the same person,” said Fanny Factsler, True’ah Director of Operations and Finance. “It’s just something we’ve been hearing a lot, and we think it’s a serious allegation that has to be investigated.”

Here are some key facts about these two lookalikes:

Though it was previously alleged that the COVID vaccine was made of a mixture of chicken soup and the blood of gentile babies, we report that the truth is even more insidious: The vaccine is made from a proprietary blend of parve soup stock and Manischewitz low-calorie canned borscht.

Vaccines from these international biotech companies have all been proven equally effective, but with some variations in side effects:

• Modeh-RNA: The only vaccine produced by an Israeli company, it requires only a single dose; Diaspora vaccines require two. There’s a line to get the Israeli shot, but no one knows how to wait in it. Side effects may last until the next election.
• Glatt-Ko-Schmuck-Klein: Some recipients become allergic to chocolate that is not Fair Trade or tomatoes that are not Fair Food certified. Also enables you to metabolize rage into muscle.
• Johnson bin Johnson: People receiving this shot gain the capacity to discern definitively whether that comment your neighbor made about Israel was or was not antisemitic.
• Pferkakte: In Phase II trials, some people reported a new ability to see someone being wrong on the internet without experiencing elevated blood pressure or heart rate. Participants were split on whether this side-effect was positive or negative.
• NovaLox: You regain your sense of smell but lose your moral compass.

Worried that the Two-State Solution is dead? Not to worry: we have inside intelligence that the Biden Administration has a top-secret proposal for a Six-State Solution to take its place.

Now you can discuss all these conspiracy theories and more on 18chan, the new Jewish communications platform. 18chan is as secure as telling Mrs. Schwartz a secret while you’re both in the bagel line at kiddush.

Don't miss popular boards: /butisitgoodfortheJews/, /LOLchatulim/, and /MandyPatinkin/.

Messages on 18chan disappear after six hours, one hour, or immediately, depending on your kashrut practice — or when three faves appear in the sky.

Inside Deliberations from the Last True’ah Board Meeting 

Now that our not-so-secret cabal has succeeded in toppling the Trump administration, our slogan of the past four years is no longer relevant. How shall we replace “Resisting Tyrants Since Pharaoh”? After running extensive focus groups, we have settled on the following options.

Board members were asked to vote on what motto should guide us going forward:

True’ah Purim News is brought to you by Shira Danan, Rabbi Marisa James, Rob Kutner, Rabbi Lev Meirowitz Nelson, Rabbi Bill Plevan, Rabbi Ruhi Sophia Motzkin Rubenstein, the letter Yod, and the number 17.